*begin rant*

Apparently, “walk in single file” really isn’t in the French vocabulary.

As I am walking down the sidewalk with Vibeke in the baby carrier on my chest, I come up to two large French ladies walking side-by-side in the other direction. As we meet I make the movements to pass on the right.

Haha! Silly me! Here I was thinking like a rational person!

As we begin to close on each other it becomes quickly obvious to me that they don’t intend to form a single line to pass me on the right (as, you know, civilized people do). Instead, we come right up to each other and stop. The older of the two (they looked similar and I am assuming they are mother and daughter- one looked to be in her twenties, the other in her fifties) then says something rapidly in French and gestures that I walk around them to the left and pass them by walking in the street.

Mind you, our street, Cours Tolstoi, is a main thoroughfare and can be very busy.

So, I gesture to Vibeke on my chest and in my best broken-French say: “Je porte une bebe, vous passez moi sur la gauche en queue.” (which would sound in English like: ‘I carry a baby, you pass me on the left in queue.” [which can be seen as funny, because ‘queue’ can also mean ‘tail’ in French])

Well, the older of the two fat French bitches was having none of that, and began gesticulating wildly about me going around them so they can walk unimpeded while berating me in French.

So I says to her: “Je porte mon bebe. Je ne marche pas dans la rue. Donc vous marchez en queue. Vous etes trop grande. So get out of my way you fat-ass bitches.” (“I carry my baby. So you walk in line [or ‘tail’]. You are too big. So get out of my way you fat-ass bitches”)

And I pushed my way past them.

You see, the French “every man for himself” attitude is bad enough. But when I have my baby, you’d better watch your asses. Challenge me and I will use force to get you to back down every single time (which is not actually too difficult with these people).

This is especially true when Vibeke is in her stroller. Being an inherently polite person in public, I am incredibly conscious of how large a stroller is and do my best to be as unobtrusive as possible, especially when loading it onto the bus. I don’t go straight through the middle of the bus door, but always to the right side, to allow other passengers to mount the bus on my left.

BUT when I am loading the stroller onto the bus, DO NOT try to cut me off on the right and squeeze yourself on through the 2-3 inch gap between the stroller and the bus door.

This has happened three times now, and each time I have jammed the front-right wheel of the stroller into the culprit’s leg, pinning them to the bus, until they inevitably back down. This is incredibly fun because of the look of surprise on their face that someone is actually going to call them on their bullshit and challenge them. And the look of pain because, and I am being honest here, I am not gentle with the force that I exert pushing the stroller against their leg.

I was here first and the bus will not leave without you. Back the fuck off.

*end of rant*